The Life I Gave Away
Empty child. The water
is cold around me. I feel I am drowning; screaming but no one hears me.
I gasp out fear; the
lights seem to shimmer on the surface. My face is hurting, my skin is crawling.
I do not know if I am breathing, my mind is somewhere else and my lungs heave.
Vomit brews like searing thick lotion in my throat. I cannot see where I am. In
pain and abandoned. I do not even want to keep me company.
Why did I ever have any
friends? Memories flurry by. The pain I felt was something for them to gain.
Too much to have, too much to bid. Feeling like nothing, nothing matters as it
is now empty. The world around me is a void, it is silent and sightless. The
array of emotions has destroyed me, torn me inside out. A puppet, a vacant
mannequin. She is used up, I am wasted. Not so much worthless, more useless. A
carcass, casing, the shell with no internal organs. But pumped full of
intoxins, so much poison I am blind.
Now I want to lie here,
blood filled with venom, slipping deeper within. Did I give everything up? Did
I offer my life much too willingly? Did I deserve it – ask for it? The price I had to pay, the life I had to
give away…
*
I Had Forgotten
I had forgotten what it
felt like. It was almost like it was a new feeling. A new experience, a new
life. But I recalled the union, which was fresh in the mind like the burn of a
match. Still a bitter taste, still raw and hollow. The realisation, the
vulnerability was something I found hard to disregard. I could not abandon the
feelings just as you deserted me. Pain too clear, my head was unable to make
sense of anything. Left at the altar, left at the podium, left at the seashore
– take your pick. It all means the same. Same betrayal, same defeat; a cruel
face hidden beneath a façade. Painted features, crystal clarity revealed through
stained glass. Maybe the bruises mean something, do they remind you? Because
I’ve all but forgotten.
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