Unpalatable

 I am not a good person. Though I try I am not. I am not a serial cheater, I haven't killed anyone or committed an awful crime. But I am still not good enough. 

And the harder I try the worse it gets. The more I suffer, the more the consequences pull the scenes around me and others are drained. Because when I am emotionally stunted, or mentally bound...the destruction happens. 

At best I am extremely generous, I am open with my resources and my time. I give people space to be themselves and room to express without harsh judgement. Yet I continuously judge myself by impossible and imposing standards. I am positively restless with the need to constantly change and "fix." Never satisfied and always needing to feel like I am a project in myself. Because who would ever accept this fixer-upper who has a rocky history of dodgy attachment and poor choices? I honestly don't know if I would and certainly would not want to subject anyone to handling me. 

But it is all filtered and tailored. It squeezes through the cracks daily but truly breaking down and being myself does not come easily. Between emotional irregularity and an artistic temperament, I play a balancing act with the juxaposition of my personality. I am very controlling with myself but I also can do things on a whim. I overthink constantly, but I always make thoughtless mistakes. I am a perfectionist yet do a half-assed job. I am fiercely loyal yet easily cut up and run.   I have a measured exterior yet I am screaming the place down inside. I am a paradox of a person and undoubtedly have a personality unpalatable for humans.